...to wonder how every walking world spins on its own axis. Is it wobbly like mine, or is it perfectly balanced and centered? I'm currently sitting in the cafeteria people watching, curious about this idea of everyone trying to balance their own world in the big ass one around them.
Then I quickly find myself, quite dramatically, retreating into my own little world, staring out of the window, writing this unexpected blog entry in my journal. I am now holding back tears as my mind is near combustion as I try to compartmentalize my issues, secretly hoping that someone will plop across from me and be like, "Sis, you good?," while also hoping no one will cause I might burst int... Oh shit, somebody's walking towards my table and making eye contact..Dammit...**insert a plastered, smile** Now I want to crash through the window that I was just staring out of... My good sis, Gail (if you're reading this, hey guurl), whom I love so much asks if I want to be alone for lunch.. As much as I want to be alone, I know that I shouldn't, so I reply, "Nah girl, come sit."
My journal is now closed, resting on the window sill.....
Aight..we back lol.. so Gail went to grab her food and came back to the table.. She saw that I closed my journal and said something like, "girl, journal if you want. I can show love in silence." So, instead of keeping my journal closed and forcing a conversation that would be laced with courtesy head nods and basic "I'm not really listening phrases" like, "how's your semester going" or "that's amazing," I opened my journal and am now writing again..
I'm about 3 minutes into silence..feeling a little awkward..should I say something? i don't wanna say anything lol.. so I don't.. And now a wave of gratefulness has hit me.. Gail chose to see past my glasses shielding my bags and a fake ass smile and sat with me still and started reading a book... she didn't ask me what was wrong..I was literally slipping in a unhealthy mental state that I was bracing myself for and God met me, through Gail. And while my world is tipsy turvy as hell, God still meets me in some way to keep my world from completely crumbling. God, I see you... Anyway...I'm not sure where this is going.. I honestly wasn't planning on this being a blog post lol. I was just writing and here we are..
Whoever's reading this (warning: I'm about to get on some corny shit lol), even though your world may be tipsy turvy like mine, and it seems like it's about to fall off of its axis and roll into a shitty ass sewer, don't be afraid, or like me, too prideful as hell to lean on those around you...Although we may all be consumed by our
own, sometimes, really shitty worlds, we don't have to navigate them alone...you are cared about...your life matters.. your shit matters.. you are valuable..we are valuable..
It's a big ass world out here full of communal opportunities..I don't know..join a church if God is your thing, or a book club, kickbox..I don't know, do Comic-Con..that shit looks really communal..Whatever you need to do to keep your world from tipping into an abyss of nothingness, do it (I mean, unless it's a harm to yourself and others.. its a thin line lol)..Some of us might need a lil therapy to get the ball rolling.. Don't be skurrrred of therapy ya'll.. it's gotten my world moving in a healthy direction..shoutout to my therapist.. You're a real one, sis! And shoutout to Gail for sitting with me without expecting anything in return (sn: don't be afraid to be that friend who sits along another in silence.. people don't need solutions all the time.. what I've learned is that sometimes simply being present is enough..but it can be hard when you really love somebody..I know lol)..also, shoutout to my dope ass community that loves on me despite my pride and mood swings. I love ya'll.
I kind of went all over the place with this one..but, life goes all over the place.. if, you've seen my face, I am now looking at you sincerely in the eyes lol. It's going to be okay..you're still alive and breathing..that counts for something..I promise it does.. And when shit hits the fan and negative thoughts start to drown your brain.. lean on somebody.. go for a walk..mediate and pray it out... you are not alone.. your life is valuable..it's time we value our lives and take control of the negative bs.. alright..let me calm down and end this post..
As my good brother, Kendrick says, "We gon' be alright." Woahhhhh.. that felt corny as hell...but we will..There's most likely gonna always be something going on, but lean on the lights in your life, place yourself in a loving community, get some therapy if you need to develop healthier ways to process the negative stuff.. it's actually possible to balance the trash with the beauty of life.. just know that you're not the only one juggling problems in your world... but there's no sense in us juggling it alone..