.....is what I want to scream from a mountain top..put in a CAPS LOCK Instagram caption. I scream it with my whole being when Big Sean's song, "I Don't Fuck With You" plays on the radio or at parties. I've made New Year's Resolutions, written journal entries, meditated, cried my eyes out just for the sake of not being paralyzed by what others thought about me. I've written extensive social media posts about how I'm so damn free, then turn around and have mini anxiety attacks when I'm asked to say anything in front of a group of people... Or I'll post a picture expressing myself and instantly delete it cause I'm afraid people will think I'm doing too much or not being true to myself... and don't let me not get at least 5 likes within 2 minutes on a Instagram picture!!! I'll immediately make up in my mind that I've posted the worst picture in the world..no matter how much I liked it...
When people look at me, they see this accomplished, "spiritual" woman, appearing free and nonchalant. What they fail to see is me dying on the inside... often obsessed about every move I make and every breath I take (**insert Bobby Brown dance moves** lol). Ya'll are probably like, "GIRL, why you crying?? Chill all that out." Well... I'm sure somebody can relate, so let me cry for a minute.. Ya girl gets internally stressed. And if you're reading this and you too have a mask or a part of you that you hide from the world, I wanna simply say "BE YOU!!" but the shit isn't that easy.
I swear, I feel like I'm constantly trying to live up to something that I can't even describe, but ironically desire... This idea of freedom served on a dirty fucked up platter that appears shiny and entices the hell out of me.. this idea of freedom with fine print that nobody tells you about.
"How does one truly not care?" is a question that I ask myself almost everyday. Like, do people who announce that they don't give a fuck really not give a fuck? A question that I've recently been wrestling with is do people even really give a fuck about what I have going on? Do they care if I trip over a word in a speech or about a picture I post?
Or are they like me, struggling with some insecurity... caught up in their own anxiety as they face the world, sifting through their pain, trying to redefine their narrative because they had a fucked up childhood... secretly depending on people to affirm who they are and their accomplishments, posting pictures that would certainly appease some kind of assumed appetite of their friends and family.. so wrapped in trying to make their life look lit and carefree as fuck, cause you know..they don't give a fuck..cause you know.. I don't give a fuck..cause you know..we don't give a fuck.. and it might not be revealed on social media, but in the way we operate in the world..
If the shoe doesn't fit, congratulations, you have mastered the art of not giving a fuck..please share your wisdom... cause I give so much of a fuck that it's becoming ridiculous.. like.. it's not cute at all.. and I can't figure out why.. but I'm committed to trying to figure that out and for those in the same "giving a fuck" boat as me, I challenge you to do the same cause when it's all said and done, and I'm quoting my mom here, "ultimately, nobody really gives a fuck. Who are you to think that people really care about what you have going on? Everybody is wrapped up in their own shit".. so we might as well do what we want... Right? Sure. (***insert awkward smile***)
I honestly lost my point for this post and I've said fuck at least 15 times and this was way longer than I intended it to be lol. I'll probably never post this because ***DING! DING! DING!*** I give a fuck about what you're gonna think or say.. and that you'll never come back... I just had to type this shit out and this honestly is distracting me from this boring ass lecture that I'm in right now.
You know what..fuck it.. I'm gonna post it.. cause you know what.. it just hit me.. a key to not giving a fuck is to actually start not giving a fuck.. right? I guess the proof will be you actually reading this lol so if you've gotten to this point, first, thank you so much for reading!! Second, you have just joined me on my journey of not giving a fuck lol.. you tryna roll or nah?