“Imma savage…classy, bougie, ratchet…” I’ve heard these lyrics, coupled with the visual of the same dance routine a good 100 times in the past few weeks… Not just on Instagram, but also on my Tik Tok home page. Yes, my old ass created a Tik Tok. Have I posted myself doing the savage dance? No, but that’s because I’m not completely confident in my leg raise on the “nasty” part. Do I have me doing the dance at 3AM saved into my Tik Tok drafts and phone camera roll? I absolutely do lol. If I’m being real, these lil Tik Tok routines have been one thing getting me through this quarantine bullshit.. But I’ve been doing other things to fill my time…I’ve read a couple of books. I’ve meditated and worked out everyday (minus the weekend… you know… rest days), been cooking nutritionally balanced meals, and I’ve even gotten fully dressed for “virtual work” so it really feels like I’m doing something every day and not just video chatting in my living room…I’ve been sleeping great… I’ve been doing pretty good overall (insert upside down smiling emoji)..
Sikeeeeeee…. You thought….
I haven’t read shit but the subtitles of “All American” and maybe like two pages of a book. As far as working out goes, I tried to do the “push up challenge” to put on my Instagram story, but I couldn’t get through one push up… sorry to those who tagged me. I appreciate the motivation though! Ummm… I thought about meditating... does that count? My cousin has been clowning me because every time we Facetime, I’m eating black eye peas and cabbage. I mean... it’s high in iron… I throw in a bagel or a PB&J sandwich here and there. It’s balanced enough to keep me full lol… As far as this virtual work shit goes.. first of all… Fuck Zoom!! I hate it so much… sitting still looking at people for an hour has opened up a realm of anxiety that I didn’t know existed… but I appreciate only having to get dressed from the torso up.. I just can’t stand up because my coworkers would get a glimpse of my boy short collection. There are somedays I sleep most of the day and pop a melatonin gummy at night.
Instagram has become a toxic frenemy… sometimes full of knee slapping entertainment (yeah, I said knee slapping…it’s the first thing that came to mind lol) and sometimes full of people reminding me of how I’m not doing shit… how I lack discipline… how I’m wasting time because I’m not starting a business, or working out, or anything else I’m not doing… And at first I jumped into full throttle mode. I wrote out a workout plan and even redesigned this site a little bit…I was even ready to hop into outlining my first book.. I was motivated as hell. Then eventually, it hit me…I really can’t do shit… my friends will tell you… I’m a free spirit and very spontaneous. I love to do random things, even if I’m alone. Not only that, but I’m a 10 hour drive from home and I had to wrestle with whether or not I should be with my family or stay here in Jersey during this time... Control over my life was dwindling without me even realizing it.. At about day 6 of quarantine, I wasn’t here for it…My anxiety and depression started playing double-dutch in my brain and I started to put pressure on myself to do things. In a matter of 3 weeks my life became 99.9% virtual by force, which is a different level of draining…
Some of ya’ll might be like.. “Taylor, you’re on that first world problem, privileged shit.” And you know what… I might be… but acknowledging that doesn’t erase my feelings...it doesn’t erase my grief… If you’re also feeling fucked up through all of this, you shouldn’t beat yourself up for it. It’s taken me a few weeks to realize that this whole quarantine experience is traumatic as hell…and like any other traumatic experience this one takes the same steps of processing. We’re all fighting to maintain our physical, mental and spiritual health. It’s okay to say that this is some bullshit…because it is… it’s some bullshit… And we don’t know when it’s truly going to end…the unknown is scary…not having control over all of the facets of our lives is scary…having to sit with yourself can be scary… especially when your hair isn’t done or you need a haircut. No Remy bundles…no fresh line-up…no acrylic fill-in… feet crusty as hell because you can’t get a pedicure…no gym…no brunch with your friends…a new job title as a full-time home school teacher for your kids…no church…no NBA...no banana cheesecake from the Cheesecake factory or therapeutic trip to Marshalls (just me…ok)…you fill in the blank… we’re all stuck inside…feeling and looking dusty as hell… I know because I’m feeling dusty too… and not just because I’m forgetting to put on lotion lol.
Despite the acceleration of change and after a few weeks of processing this experience, I’ve began to find some positives in all of this… For one, I have so much to be grateful for. To be able to have my own apartment, still be getting paid despite having to be at home and having support through Facetime and social media are things that I don’t take for granted. For some people this time is deeper than not being able to take a trip or get their hair done… For some people this time is hitting them in unimaginable ways. When it’s all said and done…shit could be so much worse… which again, in no way dismisses my feelings, but adjusts my perspective on things and gives me some sort of light to get me through this shit…What are some things that you are grateful for that has been getting you through?
Second positive… I get to spend time a lot of time with myself…while if I’m being honest doesn’t always feel positive… I talk that “be present” shit…but sometimes I’m not about it when it comes to facing certain things… This time has led to forced self-reflection… it’s shown me who and what are truly important to me… it’s stopped me from packing up and road tripping somewhere to run from what I need to come to terms with… it’s revealed some of my triggers and brought to light some of my strengths and growing level of internal wholeness.
I have had to truly tap into the gifts of humanity that I’ve been depriving myself of… kindness…grace…love towards myself…actually naming shit for what it is and not trying to avoid it…and when the time comes…I might get a workout routine going…strong ass might…I might read a few books…strong ass might…I might get into the groove of writing blog posts more often and building my brand…another strong ass might…I MIGHT do some other shit that I don’t feel like doing in this moment…but what I will do is what the hell I’m getting paid to do right now and that’s my damn job… if I want to do some shit on the side I will.. today I decided I wanted to write and share a blog post…no pressure attached… And I applaud everyone for grinding this time out to plan out businesses, work out, and do other dope things. I’m here for it… but there are some of us who are doing some internal grinding to process, sort shit out and make it day by day… and one doesn’t trump the other…the way you get through this is your own personalized journey and should not be attached to the pressure of others…so if doing a Tik Tok dance at 3 AM brings you even an ounce of happiness…do that shit…do whatever you need to do to get through…do whatever brings you peace during this time…no pressure attached.
Love and light,